Where's a good gust of wind when ya need one?

I was meandering amongst the medieval weapons at a local Highland Festival a few months back when a voice behind me suddenly screeched out,         “Gi’ me just one good gust of wind t’day!” 

I carefully lowered the double-sided hatchet I had been considering for a wall decoration and did a turn around to find the source. I was not disappointed.

The screecher was not a day under 90 and sporting a wicked smile along with miles and miles of red plaid draped over her tiny body. She caught my confused eye and laughed out loud. I couldn’t help but smile back.

Months later, I recalled her statement during a conversation with a friend about kilts and the truth of what is really worn underneath. Seems that if you are going to wear a kilt in authentic Celtic fashion, you need not bother with boxers or briefs.

Suddenly, I knew why red-plaid lady was hoping for a good gust of wind. She was a 90-year old voyeur.

My male kilt-wearing friends tell me that there are two things you can anticipate when wearing a kilt. The first is the quest for the truth on what exactly is really worn underneath. It’s a question that continues to be asked and answered in numerous ways and with a multitude of witty quips and gestures. That question, I’m told by every kilt-wearer, is as certain as an Irishman walking into a bar.

The second thing kilt-wearers can expect are the looks from passer-byers.

Serious head-tilted-sideways, eyebrows-lifted, well-will-you-look-at-that kind of looks.

Since I’ve moved to my little slice of Celtic heaven in Florida and joined up with my friends in the New World Celts, I’ve been exposed to a lot of kilts. (pun intended). And I’ve come to understand the significance of what the kilt represents to the wearer. Seems it’s more than just a skirt. Much more.

The material’s color and pattern (tartan) on a kilt represents the family, or “clan” of the wearer. In days-of-yore the wearing of the family tartan aided in identifying unknown relatives who drop in uninvited for dinner.  (I’m totally making the dinner part up)

Tartan is particularly associated with Scotland but Ireland now has a few tartans specific to families and areas. My neighbor Jay, an Irish kilt-wearer, said it well, "Wearing your ancestral tartan invokes great pride in your family roots."

Not having yet worn a kilt, I went to the experts - the men I know who actually do wear kilts – for some witty insight. They did not disappoint me.

From Jerry:

Two years ago at a Renaissance Fest I was standing with my friends - we were all in kilts. Two ladies walked up and asked what we were wearing under our kilts and of course Andrew, not one to resist a challenge - put up his arms and said, "Check for yourself." Without hesitation she grabbed the bottom of his kilt from the front and lifted it over his head. After standing there (a bit longer than necessary I think) she dropped his kilt and without missing a beat asked, "Who's next?" I knew right then that wearing a kilt would be nothing but a grand time. 

And Larry shared this disturbing-yet-hilarious story from his experience at a Highland Fest- There was a 93-yr old lady walking around Clan Row with a walking stick that was outfitted with a bicycle mirror at the bottom. On the handle she had a horn. She would walk up to a man and hold the mirror between his legs. If she liked what she saw she would blow the horn. She was a hoot."

If you want to see a good showing of kilts of all patterns and colors, I recommend skipping over to a local Highland or Renaissance festival. These fests abound in America, and truth be told are one of the most entertaining events you will ever attend. If you go, make sure you stroll through the Clan tents and stop for a chat – there are no warmer or prouder people than Celts, especially when they are festing. 


While there, you can also buy an off-the-rack kilt. Or if you decide you really want to research your family tartan – you can easily purchase a kilt online.  Be prepared to dig deep in your wallet, however, since custom-made kilts are made in Scotland. The price and the wait (kilts take on average 6 weeks to arrive) are more than worth it, so I’m told.


Here's to kilts and all who wear them.

And here's to great gusts of wind for 90-year old women with wicked smiles who apparently need them.
Slainte!